I have four sons, who were all created out of love. The oldest Alex aka Mr. GQ30 was
conceived with my high school sweetheart, or should I say at the time I thought he was
sweet. I became pregnant with Alex at the ripe age of 16, and delivered him by the time I
had just turned seventeen. At seventeen life for me as a mom seemed pretty sweet, I mean
comparing to how bad I had always heard it would be to raise a child at that age. Ok, maybe
I'm being a little facetious. The reason life seemed so sweet to me at the time was due to the
pivotal role that my mom and stepdad played with helping to raise Alex. All the grandchildren
knew my mom as "Nana", and that title has been handed down throughout our family stemming
back to the great grandparents. Nana refused to see her grand babies go without getting
anything that they wanted. I never had an issue with my parents wanting to give my children
things that they wanted, it was when I would say no and Nana would disregard the authority I
gave. If Nana heard me say no to something that they wanted, she would say yes as soon as I
was out of site. As I mentioned, my mother had a serious issue with drinking alcohol, but
when it came to her having to tend to those in need, she somehow worked it out. What I
couldn't understand at the time was how they managed to take Alex to the park on a daily
basis, and I can't remember being taken to the park EVER! But ya know, grandparents tend to
redeem themselves with the grandkids in ways they wished they had done prior with their
own children. My point is that having my mom and stepdad around to assist in his raising, gave
me the illusion that parenting wasn't so bad. The unfortunate part about having had her step
in to help was (as if I had the psychological capacity to raise a child at 17) having to spend a
lot of days and nights listening to her painstaking intoxicated voice, as she would reprimand
me for reprimanding my child..key word "my child". My mom was quick to tell me to leave
her grandbaby alone, whenever I would reprimand him. Not realizing that she was preparing
him to become defiant towards me. At those moments it was typical of my stepfather, who I
love dearly, to follow up with telling my mom to let me handle my own child. I always smiled
inside every time he chimed in, but that wouldn't stop Brenda, oooh no it wouldn't. She
would just tell him (in her feisty voice, which he loved about her) that he better leave her
the hell alone. My mom knew that she could get away with just about anything when it came
to her ranting towards my stepdad. Now looking back I realize that the communication that
was used within my household was totally negative and dysfunctional. I love my mom of
course, and feel the same for my stepdad, but in all honesty if I were to create a reality show
depicting the life I lived as a child, it would be called "The Dysfunctionals". I had not realized
nor ever thought of the dynamics of my household as being dysfunctional, until I married.
After getting married I realized that the mouth on my face was built in with a double edge
sword, honestly so. If you think about it, the way that I saw my mom talk to my step-dad was
very ridiculing at times. The words that came out of her mouth, the tone, and disposition
that she gave off towards my stepdad was no force to reckoned with. But in most cases my
stepdad would just ignore her. When I was very young I was baffled at how calm he would be
when she would go off on him. You are probably wondering what was she going off about.
Ok, I'll give you a prime example. My stepdad was an avid newspaper reader. You could catch
him on any weekday at about 6:30pm, laying back in his recliner, full from dinner, and reading
his daily newspaper. When my mom would talk to my stepdad while he was reading his
paper, she demanded his full attention. If she felt like he wasn't giving his full attention to her
or put the paper down to respond, she would get up, walk over to him, and slam her hand
dead smack in the middle of his paper. She would then say "You hear me talking to you."
Looking back at those times, I realize that she was verbally abusing him. Most of the time the
only response he would give would be something like "Brenda why don't you stop it. or You
see that I'm trying to read the paper." After years of witnessing this repeated behavior from
her, I eventually became desensitized, and it just became normal to see. As a teenager I
wouldn't think anything of it when she would go off on him. I actually began to think that if
he would just listen to her or respond, then he wouldn't have to hear her holler at him. Mind
you, he wasn't a meek man by far. I say that because I used to think that he was until the day I
heard him say to her that if I weren't in the room, he would give her a piece of his mind.
Reflecting back...
It wasn't until being married myself that the dysfunction started coming
around full circle. After having repeated conversations with my husband about the tyrant
behaviors I would exhibit when we would have disagreements, I finally came to grips with
myself. Oh, but the acknowledgment of my behavior wasn't going down without a fight. In my
mind I had every reason for why I needed to do the neck roll, finger pointing, whenever we
had a disagreement, because at the time I felt like huh, whatever. Not to mention how after I
realized that he wasn't my step-dad reincarnated and wasn't going to tolerate it, how I would
then start crying. I was a mess, just a mess, but looking back now we both laugh hysterically
at those times. And don't let me forget about how I used to be quick to pick-up a phone and
call a family member. I wanted to call the family because I felt like I wanted to leave, and in
my way of thinking at that I time, I felt like I needed to be rescued (LOL). But before I
wanted to make my grand walk-out, I had to first be sure to give everyone that I called a
rundown, so that I could make his side look worse than mine already was. I am so happy that
my hubby and I see much brighter days together. No more crying out, or calling family (unless
I need some positive uplifting woman to woman talk). And needless to say, I am more than
happy to have conquered the beginning of the battle of self. I must say that I have truly
learned a lot about myself since being married. Now that I realize how dysfunctional my
household was while growing up, I can consciously stop the vicious cycle of dysfunction from
happening within household!
